I Wasn’t Always Comfortable Talking About Sex

This week, how many times have you spread your legs in front of a mirror and took a look at your vagina? Not for a health inspection, but just to say hello. No worries, I felt uncomfortable when my friend asked me this same question, too. I rarely take a look down there. Usually, it’s only during and after a shave (sadly that has been rare too.) My friend Kayelynn was attempting to make me more comfortable speaking about sex. So, she gave me the task of talking to my vagina once a day. I did it for a week … and no it did not boost my confidence in having a sexual conversation. It only left me feeling super naïve for believing this could possibly help. But, her intentions were valid. I did need to boost my confidence when speaking about sex. 

This issue wasn’t recent. It was a few years back when Kayelynn brought my sexual- shyness to my attention. I initially tried to defend myself and debate that I wasn’t shy, I just figured it was no one’s business. Not my friends nor my boyfriends at the time. I thought, why should I have to discuss sex with him –let’s just do it!The more I argued with her the sillier I started to sound. She was correct. The truth was I wasn’t outspoken about my sex life and my interests because I didn’t want people to (frankly speaking) view me as a hoe. My friend Kayelynn has always been very open about sex life and her sexual experiences. And, I’ve heard all the whispers and rumors. Our peers assume she’s promiscuous. 

Their accusations are all lies. Kayelynn has actually had the least number of sexual partners than anyone I know. But, because she’s a female and unapologetic about expressing what sex positions she wants or how much she loves performing head on her boyfriend- she’s labeled a hoe. Meanwhile, a man can have the same dialogue and be applauded. He may even gain more respect from males and females for his eagerness to have good sex. These double standards are ruining the self-esteem of women like me. Not Kayelynn though; she could care less. 

Kayelynn will speak about sex whenever she pleases. The girl will literally say, “That makes my p***y wet” at any moment. Once you get accustomed to the random mentions of her vagina you’ll fall in love with her confidence. She educates herself on sex by asking questions and engaging in conversations. There was this time we were at the beach and seen an older lady with a big pair of breasts. My vocal friend did not hesitate to slide her beach towel over and ask the lady, how does she receive pleasure in her nipples. Insane questions, right? Kayelynn has a pair of size double D breast and feels like her nipples are useless because she doesn’t get turned on from them. Surprisingly, the lady was thrilled to answer her questions (while I sat there not engaging in the conversation because of course, I felt uncomfortable.) 

The Answer:The lady’s answer was she doesn’t get aroused when men stimulate or play with her nipples either. “They don’t know what to do with big tits like mine,” she said. So, she only gets aroused when she plays with her own nipples. She had an entire routine that always leads her into an orgasm. I was in awe. Seeing two women who were strangers unite over their big tidies was a beautiful thing to witness. 

Therefore, over the years. I tried to engage in more sex conversations. Here’s what I did:

1.) I grew up in the bedroom.I started telling my boyfriend what I liked and didn’t like.During this time, I would consider myself still young in terms of lovemaking. I thought faking orgasms was the thing women just had to do. But I finally got rid of that nonsense. I put too much effort in the bedroom perfecting my craft, to then not receive my wonderful organismic trophy. I started redirecting his fingers and casually telling him what I would like for him to do. This opened up a great dialogue about our sex life. My comfortability with these conversations carried on to my next relationships and ultimately made my sex life better.

2.) I turned the questions into a conversation.I love my friends, but I wouldn’t expose my sexual behaviors with them because they simply did not ask me politely. It was more like an interrogation. They would unload questions like, “Is his dick big?’, “How long until he changed positions?” or “How many times did you come?” 

My friends can be too nosey and exhausting at times. I would normally just end the entire conversation and close my mouth. But, I started reversing their questions into more of a conversation for them. For example, if I was asked, “How many times I came?” My response would be along the lines of, “Too many to count …my leg even started shaking this time. Has that ever happened to you?” Then, the heat is off of me and on to their sex lives. 

3.) I became more comfortable with my body. Like I stated earlier I was young and thinking sex was just a race to the finish line. But when I knew better I did better. I made sure my sex life was satisfying- even if I had to do it myself. So, ultimately, I guess talking to my vagina didn’t help- but touching my vagina did!

Becoming older surrounded me with a more mature group of peers as well. Most of these people didn’t judge my talks and questions about sex. Which also made me feel more comfortable sharing my opinions about sex. Everyone will become comfortable with sex talk at their own pace. However, there’s no reason for you to feel shy about engaging in a sex conversation. Ask questions about what’s bothering you and speak your mind in the bedroom. If you still need help, just let me know and I’ll send Kayelynn to the rescue.