Private Relationships Last Longer, Here’s Why

The trials and tribulations during a relationship are endless. One minute, you’re fighting over an ex and five minutes later, the argument is about your favorite bra that’s missing. Yes, the bra argument is personal. I’m still just having a hard time figuring out where it could be when it was last seen with him doing laundry. Anyway, in order to balance the quarrels with happiness, every relationship must find their own recipe to keep attraction cooking. Every single one of my past relationships has been unique in their own * dysfunctional * way. But, I finally noticed a pattern amongst them. All of my relationships that have lasted longer than a holiday season have one thing in common… privacy! 

In my current relationship, we are practicing a private relationship as well and privacy has not failed us yet. My discovery, which is private relationships last longer, still stands as valid. 

But first, let me state there’s a difference in a relationship being private and a secret.

My current relationship is no secret, people are well aware that we are together (especially his exes.) But, our disagreements, dates and lame matching outfit pictures are kept private between us and sometimes friends. Privacy has helped us build an unbreakable bond and sacred space for our love. Here are a few things we did to make our relationship private and reasons why privacy has been the key to survival. 

Building a Private Relationship 

The first three months of dating were completely private. 

While the casual dates and cuddle sessions were going on, we both did not tell a soul. This wasn’t part of the privacy plan; we were literally sneaking around. My boyfriend and I grew up together in a small town with many mutual friends. Our families are close as well. We both knew the thought of us becoming a couple would only go in two directions with everyone. Either it would be awkward or loved too muchand we would be forced into something that we weren’t ready for. So, we played it safe by creeping around for the first three months. Well, my best friends caught on around month two. My attitude wasn’t as bitchy, and I started leaving the club early. Those hefas’ called me out about this relationship behavior-immediately. 

During the early stages, lust can cloud the big picture. Especially if both parties are yearning for attention. But, despite how amazing a new relationship may feel in the beginning nothing is certain. Don’t worry about spreading the news just focus on you two. 

Emotions are shared with each other and not our followers.

How many arguments have you been in with your significant other about commentary on social media? Too many! I am not a big fan of social media and refused to let it destroy another relationship of mine. Luckily, he agreed with my concerns. We decided to make a pact that no matter what, there would be no subliminal or shady posting about one another on any cyber platform. Also, our photos and pivotal moments will not be posted either. No exceptions. This may sound like an annoying rule but honestly, I think it has made maintaining a relationship easier. I don’t feel obligated to update my followers about my feelings and status anymore. All of my energy goes to one place and that is my relationship. So, instead of wasting time thinking of captions and posting pictures about our recent vacation -I’m planning the next vacay. 

Privacy Has Helped the Relationship With … 

Breakups to makeups are easier to maneuver through.

As stated earlier arguments will be inevitable. I’ve been in my current relationship for years and I’ve lost count on the times that I’ve thought we were broken up for good. I have to deal with a lot of emotions, but by this relationship being private embarrassment isn’t one of them. Sharing with the world that your relationship is over, to only go back in the relationship within the next few weeks can be mortifying (especially if you talk as much shit as I do) But, I don’t have to worry about that or let the embarrassment keep me from the one I love- because I keep this relationship private.  

Everyone will not be happy about the relationship.

This reality is hard to accept. But, please do not be fooled. No one in your life is pardoned from the possibility of having poor feelings about your new relationship. This hate can come from anyone – no matter how close to you they are. I once had a best friend jealous of my relationship. Here I was thinking all she wanted was for me to find the love of my life and be happy. She really just wanted me all to herself for eternity.

Jealously is not only what triggers disapproval from other people. Judging is the main culprit. Anyone that has a prior negative perception of your mate will not approve. A negative social media perception without even having the chance to actually get to know your mate can result in the disapproval from people too. All of this exterior drama is not what your relationship needs to grow. Therefore, keeping it private protects the relationship from the negative opinions of others. 

You and your mate are making the decisions and not outsiders. 

 In past relationships that were not kept private, I found myself asking friends for advice way too often. Scratch that– it wasn’t advice. I was basically requesting for them to think for me and figure out what I should do. That was wrong and immature of me. This alwaysled to those relationships ending quickly. 

Currently (as well as in past long-term relationships) I think twice before I ask for advice about my relationship. I deal with our disagreements on my own and without the opinion of anyone else. This requires me to deal with my feelings and sort them out for the betterment of my relationship. It also forces me (not my friends) to understand my man’s feelings.

This task of privacy takes a huge amount of patience. Having a private relationship is hard work. There is more solidarity and silent growing that goes on amongst the two of you. And there’s no public affirmation of likes and heart eyes under pics for validation. But there’s beauty in this struggle as well if you seek the bigger picture. The best validation is a long-lasting relationship, right? Private is the best way to be. 

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T. Rogers

T. Rogers is a reader by day and writer by night. With over 7 years of content writing, she continues to prevail in her world of sour patch kids, expensive shoes and awkward moments that spark her courage to tell the greatest stories never told.