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Chronicles of The Lubricant Cheater

Usually, I’m the complicated friend that has a breakdown every other Friday night. But this night I was sent a message from my friend Tiarra stating: 911 meet me at my house with a bat and black light. Tiarra never has drama so without questioning, I fled to my car and headed out to find a black light. Side note: black lights can be found at good ole’ Wal-Mart.I already had a bat in the trunk. I made an additional grocery store run to buy some wine and was on my way. Tiarra was engaged to this celebrity photographer named John. However, this text message seemed like a cheater alert and I had a feeling it was ex-fiancé now. 

Tiarra lived with John in Downtown, Los Angeles. So, I had to park a few blocks away for free parking. Luckily no one in Downtown LA stares at a girl wearing all black, carrying a bat and a black light. I was last to arrive at their loft. I walked in and saw Tiarra, and two more of our friends huddled up with bottles of Merlot in hand, and Beyoncé blasting in the background. Yep, I knew this couldn’t be good at all. 

My friends and I all have pretty busy schedules while we’re in our building stages. But after this evening, hearing the horrible story that Tiarra had to share about her cheating fiancé; I regretted not returning most of their phone calls. And, canceling on some of those brunch dates. Which brings me to an important PSA that I learned from this.

Always remember to check up on your friends – even the ones that seem to have it together. 

Tiarra and her fiancé John were expected to marry the next year. Wedding planning had already begun. Sex was still great, date nights still happened often, and disagreements were few and far between. Everything was perfect (which unfortunately sometimes means that something bad is on the way.) 

On Monday Tiarra came home from work and began cleaning and cooking; per her usual. John is always at the gym when she gets home. So, this was also her time to really get a good cleaning of the house without John in the way. We all know how disruptive and disrespectful men can be when it comes to cleaning. She said she cleared the couch from his dirty laundry and noticed a couple clear- crusted stains on their suede couch. She thought nothing of it. She grabbed a handy Clorox wipe and attempted to wipe it up. 

Two days later, on Wednesday she came home and spotted more of the same stains on the couch. Now she began to wonder- what in the hell was this?The first assumption was semen. Maybe John was watching porn while she was at work. So, she decided to leave it and see if he would say anything about it when he came home. But, she continued cleaning and seen more of the stains on their bathroom rug. Now things were getting weird. She was disgusted and confused about him jacking off so much. He had a beautiful fiancé arriving home in a couple of hours. W-T-H!  

Like most * normal * women, she was curious to find out what type of porn her man was watching. She decided to clean the stains (that were technically still there, the Clorox wipes weren’t working) and just check his browser history instead when he was sleeping. She admitted that insecurities flooded her mind. For the first time in their relationship, she started to feel that she wasn’t what he wanted. 

That evening she said she had called to discuss this fiasco with me, and I didn’t answer the phone or return the call. She wasn’t lying I remember that call and felt terrible for not being there. But, I reassured her that If I had answered, I would’ve definitely told her to check that browsing history. 

She checked the browsing history Thursday night when he was in a deep sleep and no porn websites were found. But, there was some Twitter activity. She had no idea he had been active on Twitter again. Well, he had been distinctly active in his direct messages. She checked the messages and found numerous plans he had made to give several women massages. 

Why massages? No idea but that was his pick-up line and he apparently was using lubricant to perform these massages. The lube was also used for sexual activities. Tiarra found more messages that proved it. He still had no idea she knew anything and to that extent. She said all she did was text him four words that morning: don’t come back home. He had been calling her phone nonstop ever since.

My friends and I were livid. My poor friend Tiarra was so faithful to John. And to think she’d been cleaning up the lube-mess he made with these other women- in her home!  We knew Tiarra was too sad and distraught to function at this point. Therefore, we decided to take-over. We wiped that loft down and checked for more lubricant stains. Then we tucked Tiarra in bed, she had cried herself to sleep. We didn’twant to leave her side, but we had to for a couple of hours. It was time to pay John a visit. We found his car parked at his best friend’s house and luckily for us he left the windows down. 

Warning: with all of us together the pettiness is endless.We decided to go buy bottles of lubricant. We emptied every bottle inside his car (with leather interior) and left a trail of the bottles in the street. 

Needless to say, Tiarra and John did not end up getting married. Tiarra has moved on to a way cuter guy. And, if you happen to be cheating on your significant other and using a lubricant- make sure you check for stains. The stains can only be cleaned thoroughly with laundry detergent, hydrogen peroxide, and dish soap. You’re welcome.

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T. Rogers

T. Rogers is a reader by day and writer by night. With over 7 years of content writing, she continues to prevail in her world of sour patch kids, expensive shoes and awkward moments that spark her courage to tell the greatest stories never told.