It was a long-awaited Friday night. I had been working overtime all week and finally had a free night to myself. My boyfriend was even out of town. So, I would have a clean and quiet home all to myself. I couldn’t wait to undress down to bare skin and binge the new season of Orange Is the New Black. I was ten minutes from home and received a phone call from my single and lonely friend Tina. She asked to come over and spend Friday night with me. Now, I’m 8 months pregnant at this time the only entertaining I can do is bake cookies and look ridiculous as I speed waddle to the bathroom every 20 minutes. None of my friends want to be bothered with me right now – but Tina. She’s convinced she’s cursed with dating and will be single for the rest of her life. All she currently wants to do is hang around the pregnant friend and try to figure out why she can’t keep a man.
While the curse theory may be dramatic, I’ve witnessed some awful break-ups and dating experiences with Tina…and a curse isn’t too far-fetched. But, she’s only 30 years old. She still has a few years to get knocked-up like me. And, it’s not that she can’t get a date or be in a relationship (she’s had many, many relationships.) The real problem Tina is having is keeping these men around for a long-term relationship. So, in my opinion, there’s no curse here- the problem has to be Tina.
My response to Tina when she asked to come over and interrupt my naked-solo-binge-Friday once again was: “Sure, but let’s be clear if you plan on also complaining about your love life tonight I refuse to just sit and listen. I’m going to give my honest opinion back.”
This didn’t shy Tina away from coming (which let me know she was at desperation cliff.) She said, “Great sounds like fun be there in a few.”
Now, there are a few individuals out there that have had the pleasure of meeting their soulmate on the first try. But, women like Tina have had numerous tries, two failed engagements, and no patience or sanity left to try again.
Earlier this year Tina’s eight-month relationship ended. Why? No idea; and she has yet to keep a relationship past eight months. The guy went on a “family vacay” and didn’t answer her phone calls the entire time. When he finally had no choice but to resurface to his home and job where he knew he would run into her, he told her he wanted to see other people. That’s not the first time a shady break-up has happened to Tina. Last year her six-month relationship, which she thought would last a lifetime because they adopted a dog together, ended from him with a text message.
The most traumatizing break-up was a couple of years ago when we were 27. Three days after her boyfriend had thrown her a surprise birthday party and proposed, he ended the relationship with the “It’s not you it’s me” line. Just take a moment to think about her embarrassment of posting an engagement picture, and then three days later sad Mariah Carey lyrics on Instagram. My friend has had a rough time dealing with love, but it was time to stop using a curse as an excuse and face the facts. She had to be part of the problem. I’m tired of seeing my friend get her heartbroken (I’m also tired of sharing my cookies on Friday nights.) So, on this night we dove deep into all of her failed relationships. Here’s what I came up with on why my friend Tina can’t keep a man.
It was quite obvious. I’m not sure how I didn’t see this way back around her shady break-up number five. Tina was having identity issues. And, until she realized you can’t build anything real with a fake foundation, she will remain in temporary relationships. Let me further explain this. Everyone Tina has dated has had a completely different profile. They all have a different ethnicity, occupation, upbringing, hobbies, etc. There’s nothing wrong with this. I do believe love has no boundaries and may come in all different shapes and sizes. But, my issue with Tina is that while dating these individuals she changes her personality to match theirs.
“You’re like a damn chameleon with these men,” I told her.
For example, her most recent boyfriend Brandon (the one who ghosted her on the family vacay) aspires to become a councilman. His father is a police officer and his entire family is very active with philanthropy in the community. The Tina I know and have known since 12th grade hates the police and politics. She also loves wearing crop tops. Crop tops are her signature pair of clothing. However, while dating Brandon, Tina never wore a crop top and appreciated policeman. She also never had time for our girl nights because she was busy volunteering for local councilmen. Ironic, eh?
In her relationship before Brandon, Tina was a hippie. She was protesting against the police and not giving a f**k about the law (especially laws involving marijuana.) I could go on, and on about her many character changes. I’m so happy her relationship with that veterinarian ended quickly. She almost moved with him to the Amazon rainforest to save animals. Tina hates heat and wildlife. So, my point is, this faking who you are to have a relationship had to stop.
I ranted about this for at least two episodes of Orange Is the New Black. Tina was silent and listening… then tears started to fall. I started crying too – crying about everything had become my norm. Tina said her tears were for appreciation though. No one has ever been that honest with her and I was absolutely right. She promised to no longer look at her current situation as a curse. This time spent single was needed. She needed to find herself, love herself, and not accept anyone else that didn’t appreciate her being herself again.
View more dating stories by T. Rogers here
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