Ask Niki: Our Sex Guru Answers Your Deepest Sex Questions

You asked em, she’s got the answers. Niki, is our resident sex guru answering all of your deepest, burning sex questions.

What is the difference between water based and silicone lube?

Water based lube is a great starter lube.  It works great for those who experience sensitive skin or vaginal irritation.  The only issue is that water based lube needs to be reapplied a lot, and isn’t great for water/shower play. 

Silicone based lube is ideal for longer sessions and anal sex, as it stays slippery for a long time.  It is also great for water play, as it doesn’t wash away.  The annoying thing is that silicone lubes are so sticky that they are a bitch to wash off and might stain the sheets.  Silicone based lubes also can’t be used with silicone sex toys, but they are a go with glass, steel, and plastic sex toys. 

My BF takes TOO long to cum. It starts to hurt after awhile. What gives? Is he just not into it?

There is a huge discrepancy regarding how long it takes people to cum.  It likely has nothing to do with you.  I suggest spending more time on foreplay so that by the time he starts fucking you he’s already on the road to cum land.  Also, it doesn’t hurt to ask if he has any fantasies or anything he’s into that could help speed up the process. He also might be trying to last long because he things you are still loving it, so as soon as it starts to become painful, let him know and perhaps switch to blowing him, giving him a hand job or eating ice-cream.  Girls don’t cum every time we have sex, and it’s also perfectly normal to stop a session without the guy cumming.

How do I get an orgasm in before my man?  (I’m a female.)

It is annoying because women usually take longer to cum than men and our biology is a little more individualistic than men’s.  As a result, a lot of our ability to cum depends on our ability to explain to our partner what feels good for us.  Most women can’t orgasm from intercourse without clitoral stimulation. I suggest having your partner eat you out and get you close to the edge or make you cum before you have intercourse. Then during sex I highly recommenced using a toy (like the Glam Bullet) or your fingers to stimulate your clit, as that is usually what makes women orgasm.  Also, if you can feel your man getting close, ask him to slow down or take a break and play with you.  If he orgasms before you, ask him if he’s still up for finishing the job!

What is edging?

Edging is when you get right on the verge of cumming without releasing.  This can help orgasms become really intense.  Usually once on the edge, people wait about 30 seconds and then continue stimulation.   They can do this any number of times before deciding to release.  Edging can be fun by yourself and it can also be really sexy when a partner gets you right to the edge but doesn’t let you go over.

How do I work with a drunk penis?

Whisky dick is real.  Unfortunately, when a penis is drunk the only cure is to sleep it off.  However, even if the penis needs some time, it doesn’t mean that your partner can’t give you some pleasure.  If this is an issue that happens a lot, help your partner to stay hydrated when drinking, and describe to him all the sexy things that you can do with you if he doesn’t over do it on the booze.

How do I keep my Vagina smelling fresh? Are there vaginal air fresheners?

Although there are many products claiming to be vaginal air fresheners, most of them are not great.  I suggest showering regularly and washing your vulva with non-fragranced soap, and inside your vagina with your finger and some water.  Use something natural, like Swipes if you’re about to get some and don’t have time to shower.

What do I do if I have a different sex drive from my partner?

It is very common for partners to have different sex drives and it depends on the couple how best to deal with this difference.  In some relationships one person masturbates more than the other and that helps both partners get off when they want to.  Also, the partner with the lower sex drive may not feel like sex, but may enjoy watching the other partner touch themselves, and perhaps lend a hand or a mouth?  If there is a huge difference in sex drive, sometimes couples can negotiate having a sexually open relationship, so that both partners can have as much sex as they want.

I’ve never had an orgasm during intercourse. Is there something wrong me?

It is extremely common for women to not have orgasms during intercourse.  The key to pleasure for most women is in the clitoris, which is often either partially stimulated or not at all stimulated during intercourse.  If you would like to try to have an orgasm, I suggest using a vibrator on your clit while being fucked, or having your partner or yourself rub your clitoris.

Where’s my G-spot?  (I have a vagina.)

Researchers went on a mission for the female G spot, and couldn’t find a distinct “G Spot” structure.  Instead, it was found that elusive G spot which is located about 3 inches into the vagina is part of the clitoral network.  The clitoral network is actually about four inches long, so when you are stimulating the area we call the G spot you are really stimulating part of the clitoral network.  

Regardless, there is an area about three inches in on the roof of the vagina that feel good.  It is in a location that is difficult to reach with your own hands, and can be best stimulated with either a toy or another human (or both!).  The G spot can be key to vaginal orgasm and squirting. The best positions to reach the G spot are cowgirl or doggy style. You can also try to play around with yourself or a parter, putting your finger inside your vagina and doing the come hither motion.  Remember you aren’t trying to reach a specific button, so just go with what feels good. 

Will masturbating too much desensitize me?

The short answer is no.  Sometimes after using an intense vibrator, it takes a few minutes for your vulva to feel the same level of stimulation as before the session, but there is no long term damage to masturbation and it is GREAT for you!

My partner has a foot fetish. It creeps me out. I don’t want to break up with him. But I’m not into it. How do I let him know without destroying the relationship?

It is rough when your fetishes don’t match up with your partners, however I don’t think this has to be a deal breaker.  It is important to communicate to your boy the way you feel about feet, without yucking his yum and making him feel shame for what turns him on.  If you are sure that you aren’t into anything foot related, tell him that you enjoy having sex with him but you aren’t into feet and don’t want to explore this with him. He may be able to find an outlet for his foot fetish that won’t disrupt your relationship, like watching it in porn.  I suggest you also check out some porn with foot stuff, or think about if there is anything in that realm you would be interested in exploring.  If it’s a hard no, that is completely ok, you should just ask your partner how important engaging with the fetish in person is to him and go from there.

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Niki D

Niki is a full time sexuality educator, writer and private sex coach. The focus of her Masters in psychology was sexuality and she has lectured at NYU, The United Nations and many other venues on the subjects of sexual communication, sexual assault intervention and support, and human sexuality. Follow her @nikidavisf